Hubby's dad had for months had his highs and lows, with each high getting a bit lower each time. Tuesday was a low day but I thought it was due to increasing the medicine for the water accumulation in his elbow. We had seen this before and so I was not too worried about him. He had eaten well and consumed the necessary fluids for the day with no complaint. Although he was sleepy he woke up some when the aid came for his bath and even said a word or two to her. (He would always speak to her, even if he was silent with the rest of us....) Nothing really looked out of the ordinary.
Wednesday we got up a bit late (about 8:20) and had an even later breakfast which should have been called brunch due to the hour.
When Hubby went to get his Dad out of bed, he refused. This was the first time he had ever refused to get up. It was a vocal "no" and he stiffen up his body in the laying down position. So we decided to leave him in bed. We had fed him supper in bed the night before and opted to give him his breakfast in bed. (He was getting progressively more and more difficult to move from chair to bed and visa versa so we at times opted to let him eat supper in bed after a particularly groggy kind of day.)
He did take fluids although not as many as usual, it was sufficient. I made him breakfast and fed it to him along with his pills. I went ahead and fixed breakfast for the rest of the family and in the process of doing so I went over to turn the light off in the center of his small room. I could tell something about that action upset him. (I have watched over him as best as I could over the months trying to learn to read his moods, particularly as he had lost more and more speech ability-I cannot tell you how I knew that turning off the light upset him yet I knew he did not want to be alone.) Something at the moment made me concerned about him. He was laboring for breath some although he has had this weird breathing thing going on for months now... something about this was different. For some reason, I also decided to take his blood pressure, not a daily habit because for months his BP had been so erratic that it didn't do much good to be overly concerned about it...
His BP was 73/55 with a heart rate of 53. I thought the machine had malfunctioned...he had a pacemaker and his heart rate was not supposed to drop below 70. So I took it again, this time with a much better reading.
After I got my breakfast, I started to sit at the table and eat when I remembered that I had told my father-in-law that I would be back. I have always tried to keep my word when I told him I would be right back. There have been many times when I have said to him, "I am going to go do...and I will be right back." Knowing fear and bad hallucinations can be part of dementia, I felt there was a need to be able to comfort and protect him from those things that frightened him. On more than one instance I know, just by touching his arm and letting him know I was sitting with him, gave him comfort because I could feel the tension leave his body.
So I ate my breakfast with him. I told Hubby about the low BP and my thoughts that it might just have been a bad reading on the machine. I also told him that I was going to sit with him awhile. Hubby was feeling like he needed to accomplish a bit of necessary work so he grabbed a girl and they loaded firewood into the basement.
While sitting with my father-in-law, I began to notice that his breathing had changed and suspected that perhaps he was going into the final slide...yet we had seen this before, even the low BP had happened before...but as was my habit I again began to think in terms of days or even hours but not minutes.
I cannot tell you how long I sat there, a couple of hours maybe tops. I know it was noon when Hubby came back in and we tried to get another BP reading. Our machine was not giving us a good reading. I have always been a bit suspect about that particular machine so I went out and borrowed my folks and Dad's stethoscope, so I could listen to his lungs. I stood there and talked for a few minutes, I might have been out of the house as long as 10-15 minutes.
I got back with BP machine and Hubby put it on his arm...he tried three times to get a reading and three times the machine failed to get a reading. His dad was still breathing but we knew we were losing him quickly. We tried to get a heart beat with the stethoscope but it was so faint I could hardly discern it and the lungs were silent except up high.
By this time we knew he was going and fast. I debated on going to get the girls but realized if I did so, he would be gone before I got back. So Hubby and I stayed with him. I put my hand on his chest to let him know I was there with him...I had made a promise to him months ago that I would not let him be alone, that I would be there for him....and I was not going to desert him in his final moments.
I went to tell the girls that Grandaddy was gone. It came as a shock to them, particularly Mid-kid. She knew this time was coming but the quickness of it was not what she expected.
We believe that he passed at 12:37 or 38. The next hour or so was like a blur. Hubby called hospice and the nurse was very near by and was here in less than five minutes. She confirmed what we already knew and sat everything into motion for us. Within the hour the men from the funeral home were here and within two hours a person was out to pick up the geri chair and lift. (While it may seem callous, there was no grief in removing these items from our home.--we had been walking around that lift for months, tripping over it, never being able to really make it fit anywhere except in the way.)
The rest of the day we spent reacting and then regrouping ourselves, trying to deal with the reality of what had taken place a few minutes and gradually hours before. I opted to not clean out the room...not just yet. My mother always told me to take your time when it comes to those kinds of things. And I agree, we live in a nice tidy world where death is inconvenient but yet a reality. To remove all remembrance of it too quickly is not good for those left behind. We need time to think and reflect upon the past months.
We are not a home filled with overwrought grief. We knew this was coming. God was gracious to us and did not prolong the final stage of dying for extended hours and days. We've been through that before. (Remember we were told twice before that he was going to die). We are of course sad and after a year of caring for him...we are sort of lost as to what is next in our lives....
Today is Thanksgiving, we are thankful to God's for this past year. It has been trying but He has used it to help us better understand our weaknesses and His greatness.
May you have a blessed Thanksgiving!