Cleaning out her room brought back a flood of memories. My daughter struggled physically and mentally as Lyme spirochetes were attacking her neurological system causing pain, mental lapses and a constant headache. Likewise, they were eating into her joints causing constant pain. As I sorted through her clothes, I recalled the pitiful tearful voice saying over the phone, “Mommy, I just want to be able to sleep” after months and months of sleep deprivation. From a far and in ignorance at the time, we did not know just how painfully ill she was.
As I folded her shirts, my mind went through the memories of the constant contravening words and actions from others who placed themselves in positions of authority over both her and her granddaddy. My husband was hardly out of the state before this started. The absolute insult in being told that she as his granddaughter (or even his children) had no right to try and protect him from this onslaught of declaration that he was no longer in charge on his own property. She watched in upset at his being treated like a bad child and being told to go sit down and be quiet. The pain this must have caused him. He was a proud man and could no longer protect himself or his granddaughters from this. Tenaciously, ill as she was, she held her ground as best as she could caring for him in a gentle way that others criticized her for. He loved her for it. I remember visiting and saw this delight in his eyes. She is much like her grandmother quiet in nature and he appreciated that.
So as I finished out her room, I realized despite all the heartache she went through while living in that particular room, she was a faithful daughter, and granddaughter and she did her job well. She faithfully was there for the elderly man that needed her to understand him instead of making him do things. Her reputation among many in the community was damaged due to gossip but there is another segment of the community that appreciated her and has thanked her because they understood that this business of caregiving is not always as it appears and that gossip is not always true. As a mother, I am and will always be thankful to the few who supported her and encouraged her. It was a very difficult time for her and as I packed the last of her things in the boxes, I felt as if I am closing this chapter for her so that she did not have to come back and reopen the pain. In finality, I believe that if he could come back and speak with my oldest daughter he would say to her, "You are a pleasant woman." Language from an older generation, but was one of the highest complements he ever gave out and very few women earned it from him.
As I wandered through the empty house alone I said out loud, no one really wants to be here doing this job. I was not feeling sad but realized how difficult it would be for my children or my husband’s siblings. I am at the stage where everything is torn up and a mess. It is not just the finality of it but the emotions of remembering the good and the sad times that are hardest at times like this. It is the closing of a chapter. I will continue this task with as much speed as I physically can so to make the job easier for my husband who is still working on roofs here at our house.
With that, I am off to the task at hand.